Time to get raw.

I'm not the coolest kid in town : I don't have the hottest physique , the best toys or the most snobbish tastes . In my defense , I could say that I actually like to be a freak, a freak that has never seen Requiem for a Dream, not very into Jude Law or "Smells Like teen Spirit ", who never gets drunk or dizzy no matter how alcohol I'd pour down my throat.
That being said, I am also a freak because I hate my generation. If we were to be less virtuous ,we would admit it: we all do drugs , we all perform underage boozing and stuff like that. Some of us do it delicately , behind closed doors only to their own pleasure. And then , there are the glamshit zombies who simply indulge themselves in a vulgar display of vices and foolish ambitions . I'd call it a public bullet. To you, my dear reader.
It's time to bring out the best in you, to get beyond your experience, beyond your narrow mind, beyond your arrogance. It's time to get raw.

On Christmas.

I possess memories that are somehow related to Christmas, I also have those photos with me as a little girl next to a huge Christmas tree full of flamboyant adornments. However this is the first Christmas without beautifully wrapped presents, without my father , without Santa Claus. The rest of my family is trying to stick to the traditions , but they don't seem to be successful, and instead of the holiday spirit ,it is the"used to be" spirit that reigns in our house. I know there are some things that are gone forever, and I just tried to cover up the blank space to fill in for everybody who is missing. I admit that I am not an extremely virtuous being, but I like giving even when I'm not receiving, I like doing everything I am able to do just for the wellbeing of the others. This Christmas was not stolen by Grinch (yet) , but it hasn't brought me love, friendship or affection ( once again , yet). Instead I like to believe that it offered me willpower and courage to change for the better. And faith I might add, in myself, in the future and in everything it holds for me. Christmas has also come along with knowledge and wisdom, as it brought me to the conclusion that I don't belong to a specific group, but I belong to the world.
This Christmas is like Yin and Yang it is both happy and sad , it wakes up my deepest pains and losses , but it also opens a new path to be followed in the new year . Disappointed ? Not at all. In the end, Christmas is just as relative as art itself: it only stands for the things you attribute to them, only for the sincere feelings that you decide to settle free.
And for me? Christmas means a wish and the power to achieve it, letting go all the bad times, opening up to the really important things in life. As a more restricted sense, this holiday is all about believing in your dreams and finding the path that leads to it, without forgetting the people that love you.
I wish you the brightest Christmas ever!

High.

This is not the suitable state of mind ( and body, I might add) for blogging, nor this is the brightest way to begin a post, but I rely on the side effects of the alcohol / cigarettes/ other stuff , to do this job for me. What happened this night will most certainly be thrown in a dark corner of our memory , and therefore, it shall never cross our lives again. It was joy, it was madness and intensity, but above all, it was freedom. It was the absolute and delicious danger, the bloody adrenaline, and it was us, a way out, an empty road, and the wind that leads us further.

Preparing 4 the holiday.

I have to be straightforward and say that i 've never been to Confession; I know, I'm a sinner and everything but I stand rebut . Anyway , in order to compensate for that, I am actually willing to recall the bad things that I've done these past few days.
Firstly , it looks like i mastered the fine art of blackmail cause i think I successfully used it almost every day.( for noble causes....mostly) . I like to call my next sin surrealistic threatening.......never to be accomplished, but never fails.I lied, I cheated ,I swore, I took God's name in vane. Basically these are my sins. The situation is not that bad( yeah, I'm going straightly to hell):))).

On high society.

I am not an outsider, nor do I wish to be one. My social position is quite instable, and its versatility lays in the variety of cliques that i frequent. The truth is that it is rather hard to think of the category in which i belong, because i am regarded as a cocktail of all the labels. I am introspective enough to fit in the artistic group ( the guys with funky clothes and cameras) , self concious and egocentric enough to be a scene kid ( the ones who like to show off a lot) , smart ( and modest) enough to be the nerdy type.
Recently i had the opportunity to get a glance into the world of the so called elite of Constanta. Of course that I met people that stood for everything i hate, but it also made me shatter my beliefs . Being part of the high society of Constanta does not necessarily mean being superficial, but being as superficial ( and artificial) as you want. Word is, we all need a bit of luxury and pampering sometimes, spending money or considering trivial things. I guess it is part of the human nature . To me , this insight offered me not only a break from my intellectual status, but also changed me for the better. You might be really surprised about that and you might also ask how the hell this happened. The answer is very simple: it made me think about the kind of person i want to become, it gave me confidence in my self and fulfilled my need for adrenaline.
Strange as it may seem I find something good in all the lifestyles i met: the energy of punk rockers, the deepness of the artists, the wisdom of the nerds, the confidence of the popular kids. I might be awfully wrong, but i believe that these are the ingredients of a great existence. I said it before and i shall say it again: I hate this town and I hate this country , but while I'm here I am going to take all the advantages that life is kind enough to offer me. I try not to regard Constanta as a dead end , but as an exciting beginning, because in here there are plenty of things for me to learn and i am ready to learn all the lessons that time teaches me.

Ecstasy, panic attacks and everything in between.

I managed to break the inertia that had overwhelmed me in the past few weeks. Or at least, this is what i thought. However, yesterday I had a huge breakdown, that was not emotional ( not totally emotional) , but mostly due to the pressure that i have been putting on myself lately.Unfortunately, I am an overachiever and the standards that i set for myself are almost impossible to reach.
Yesterday's panic attack ( literally) was a bit more than what I had been used to; but I feel much better right now.
As an off topic , I shall refer to traditions. I always regarded them as old fashioned( but effective) ways to spend/ win money and mass media coverage. Still, i had a second thought these days and I have come to the conclusion that it is not the custom itself that matters, but every symbolic value we invest in it.
Looks like sometimes physical weakness brings along wisdom...

The right and the righteous.

Of course I crave happiness and everything that it brings along; when was i truly happy?
Probably, when I got a positive reply at my letter of application for an internship at Escada in New York. It is very clear to everyone that i am an overachiever . In case you're wondering, i turned down that internship , because I didn't want to leave school.
I am happy when I do public speaking and debating; my role exists only in front of an audience and nothing else matters, except for my purpose.
Also, i am happy when I am myself; because that is the worthiest thing a person can do.
After all, it 's not happiness what's really important, but the road that leads to it. Right now I'm on the highway of dreams with a crystal clear horizon in front of me.